Looking Ahead 2014

 Since Christmas Day I have been held prisoner to my bedroom with two very delicious baby boys. The stomach flu has ripped through our house so to keep the babies safe we have isolated and all the sick ones have been evicted downstairs where they all can use the same bathroom. Let me tell you this past week has been extremely hard. Six children puking all at the same time laundry that isn't getting done fast enough.  I think we are at the tail end now though, nobody has been sick in almost 24 hours just very sleepy. Five days in my bedroom has given me a lot of time to think about this up coming  year.  I never in my dreams thought Children's Hospital would be such a large part of our life.   Chris and I have taken time to give each other pep talks when fear and worry creep in.  Let me tell you when you are holding those precious little gifts all the Sunday School answers go flying out the window.
So things this year I want to focus on..

• Prayer.. cause really it's all I got.
• A positive attitude, speak blessing into situations and people.
• To see the wonder and beauty in everyday even the hard yucky days and write it down.
• To love more.
• To smile. 
• To give.

2013 IN PICTURES

Jan

• Tubing
• Skiing
• Chris and I had our very first night away in 15 years
• I had my wisdom teeth out

Feb

• Hannah turns 2
• Valentines Day party
• Chris and I go for fondue Valentines Day

Mar

• We find out we are expecting!
• Austin turns 14
• St. Patrick's Day party with homeschool friends
• Spring walks

April

• The snow melts and some outside fun starts.
• Jude turns 4
• Quad rides
• Bowling

May

• Horses come back!
• Horse back riding
• Presley turns 8
• Garden gets started

June

• Swimming!
• Natalie turns 10
• Kayaking
• Boating
• Fishing
•  Swimming in the lake with friends
• Community BBQ`S
• Water slides at H2O

                                                                                     July

• VBS
• Camping at the cabin
• Bon fires
• Sleeping in the tent
• Find out we are having twins!

                                                                                    August

• Daily swimming in the back yard
• Hatching baby chicks
• Back yard movie night
• Friends from out of town come
• Road trip for the day
• Butchering chickens at a friends
• Pot lucks
• Getting fire wood
• 15 years of marriage
• Bought a 15 passenger van

                                                                                   Sept

• Soaking up as much outdoor summer fun as we can.
• Chris turns 35
• Chris`s brother gets in major motorcycle accident in Mexico
• A very good friend threw me the most awesome diaper shower
• Kelly O's nights with girlfriends

October

• Rachael turns 6!
• Learned how to make my own tea from my property
• Weekly ultrasounds start
• All you can eat sushi nights with family
• Swimming at the pool
• I turn 32.

Nov

• Count down to babies!
• Seamus and Henry arrive!
• Henry had open heart surgery at 6 days old.
• Met some of the most amazing new friends.

 

Dec

• Soaking it all in!
• Zachary turns 13
• Austin and a friend go see the long awaited Hunger Games
• Zac and Natalie go see the Hobbit.
• Henry gets re-admitted to Children's
• NG tube put in
• The flu hits

The First 6 Weeks

 

Six weeks have whizzed by in the blink of an eye. We found ourselves back in children's hospital this past week and as you can see Henry now has an NG tube. He is taking way more expressed breast milk now.  I have never been more exhausted, lonely, stressed, insanely happy, thankful in my life.

I have been trying very hard to find a new rhythm in our home. Our family has a natural organic type flow to it, but with Henry's needs and many appointments it shakes things up a bit. Not in a bad way but a new way. I am enjoying the long hours rocking babies to sleep.  This simplicity of life and peacefulness of rhythm is a gift that comes with having babies and young children. Taking time when we are home and not at appointments to really soak in the normalcy of motherhood. We have come into a natural

My older children have been such a blessing, it heals my hurting heart to hear my almost 15 year old son sing babies to sleep.  Even though much has changed I feel a strong need to keep my nest, a strong protective fierceness has come over me.  My faith in the Lord is challenged and continues to grow, everyday I wake up to two smiling babies I thank-him for all nine of my children.

Blessed Beyond Understanding

  I realized my last blog post might not have made sense to those that didn't know what went on.
An hour and a half after the twins were born the pediatrician heard a heart murmur in Henry. He was took to the NICU to be looked over as his oxygen levels were a little low. After an ultrasound and phone calls with children's we found out our baby had a very rare heart defect that would require surgery.    I bluntly asked the pediatrician  "could he die?", and when he answered back "Yes" I felt as if he took a 2X4 to my head. I cried and prayed all night. Every couple hours Chris would help me into a wheel chair and take me to him, I would lay my hands on him tears streaming down my face praying not caring who was right there.  We were air lifted to Children's early that morning.  There are so may details I could share but to be honest it's exhausting.

We have been home a week and it's been good to have Chris home and process it all together.  Learning more about what the next 18 years are going to look like.  On Sunday our pastor said something to the effect of " look around at the people in your life and that God has placed them there".  We have been thrown head first into the medical world and are meeting some pretty fantastic people. I spent nights in the PICU rocking Henry and talking to nurses for hours.  Having nine children is an awesome conversation starter and because the choice to have a large-ish family is so strongly attached to our faith we were able to share so many things.

   I have never prayed for a doctor like I have for this man. He truly is amazing! It took everything in me when we were leaving to not tell him I loved him. :) 
Henry was on Global News 

 Henry is starting to take in a tiny bit more a feeding, but Thursday we will decide with the pediatrician if an NG tube might be a little easier on him.  I think we are leaning towards that has feeding is so hard on his breathing right now. I am thrilled he has made it back to his birth weight this week where Seamus is now well over 8lbs! 
Other than the high demands of my little man adding two has been absolutely wonderful. I am blissfully exhausted and enjoying every second of them. Henry is easy going and relaxed exactly how I knew him in the womb and Seamus has a little more fire, believes he is truly starving when not attached to me. He makes pumping for Henry a little difficult cause he really gets mad when someone else takes him for a moment.

Our New Journey

          On Monday November 18 at about 12:00 in the afternoon Henry went for his first of many open heart surgeries. At about 4:00 we got to see him in the ICU. Surgery went very well and as expected. Henry did much better than Miranda and myself. It was a long 4 hours. Henry has a congenital heart defect called Tetrology of Fallot and Pulmonary Atresia. Simplified, you and I have a four chamber heart with a pulmonary artery going to the lungs to get oxygen into the blood. Henry has a three chamber heart with no artery going to the lungs. For his first week he was kept alive by keeping a bypass valve used in utero open with medicine. It usually closes within 12 hours after birth. The surgeon has put in a shunt to replicate this valve. This is temporary until about 6-9 months when he is strong enough to endure a surgery that will essentially rebuild his heart. A donor artery will be used to create a pulmonary artery for him. However this artery does not grow and will require the same surgery over and over until he is full grown. These months leading up to that surgery are the most critical for him as he has limited oxygen in his blood and the shunt has potential to clog. We will be monitoring his oxygen levels twice daily and talking to a nurse at Children's hospital every couple days to report how he is doing. He will also be going regularly for visits to Children's to be seen by the cardiologist. It is important for him to stay healthy during this time as colds, flus, coughs, etc can cause dehydration which in turn causes clotting. He is on aspirin daily to help with the clotting. Please pray for him as he comes to your mind as well for us. This has been such a faith builder as we have seen God move us through each day. God has continually spoke to us through other people over and over different people keep saying "God's got this" and every time we hear those three words peace overwhelms us.  This truly has been our most difficult trial to walk through. My heart has never ached so bad, I missed my children at home and hurt for my newborn being poked and prodded for the first 2 weeks.  We go back to Children's this month  where Henry will likely have another little surgery to fix his diaphragm that was pushed up during the heart surgery.  Please continue you pray for healing, he is improving daily, getting strong and eating a tiny bit more

Birth

 

Warning... emotionally raw birth story

 

 I am hesitant to write this out for a number of reasons.  My emotions are fresh and raw,  I lay in bed re-playing it over and over.. disappointed, angry and heartbroken... yet overjoyed I gave birth to two babies!
From the moment I found out I was expecting twins I started planning for the best natural birth outcome. I advocated for myself informed my OBGYN what was best for my laboring body, planned and planned and planned. I'm proud of myself I carried 13lbs of baby to full term. I ate a high protein diet and drank a ton of water.
From the moment I arrived at the hospital I looked my midwife in the eyes and whispered "I'm such a failure" and it was from that moment on I spiraled into deep birth trauma.
My birth went so far off my birth plan and some of those things were my choice, my intuition spoke to me and at the time I didn't understand.
My midwife spoke up for me in areas were I didn't feel listened to I was pretty adamant baby A would not have a fetal scalp put in.
The labor itself was long, longer than all seven of my other births combine. I battled with myself silently through each passing hour, trying to talk to myself that everything happening was Ok...but I didn't feel OK I was ashamed of myself... embarrassed.
When it came time to push I looked to my left and saw  the amount of people in the room I uncontrollably started to cry. It was if it all really hit, some of this I chose and I was grieving  the loss of how birth should be, I was grieving the birth I wanted, I grieved the loss of control over my body.  I asked Chris to hand me a wet cold cloth I put the cloth over my face trying to block out the world. I tired to picture my home, my bedroom and catch my breath.

At 1:45pm Henry Taith Brown came earth side.
Henry means strong and Taith is welsh for journey.

As soon as Henry was born he was placed on my chest but it wasn't the same, there wasn't the rush the empowering birth experience and I will never know if that was because of my own emotions or the fact I still had work to do.  I started to push with each contraction right away with Henry in my arms. My heart breaks when I think of the delivery of baby B. I was spoke to sternly to push and push harder, while the OBGYN's hand was inside of my uterus. She threatened a C-section if I didn't push harder. A  resident took over for part of this birth and the only words I can think of is bullied and abused to birth my baby.  She spoke to me in a way no laboring women in her most delicate place of being a woman should ever be spoken too.  I needed to cared for loved, spoken gently too and encouraged. Didn't they know my dream was being ripped from me!   At 3:08pm Seamus was born.
 For the next hour and a half  I nursed my babies relieved they were here and soaking in those first moments. 
The truth is so much has happened I'm grieving and grief  has many faces, so please be gentle with me.