Warning... emotionally raw birth story
From the moment I found out I was expecting twins I started planning for the best natural birth outcome. I advocated for myself informed my OBGYN what was best for my laboring body, planned and planned and planned. I'm proud of myself I carried 13lbs of baby to full term. I ate a high protein diet and drank a ton of water.
From the moment I arrived at the hospital I looked my midwife in the eyes and whispered "I'm such a failure" and it was from that moment on I spiraled into deep birth trauma.
My birth went so far off my birth plan and some of those things were my choice, my intuition spoke to me and at the time I didn't understand.
My midwife spoke up for me in areas were I didn't feel listened to I was pretty adamant baby A would not have a fetal scalp put in.
The labor itself was long, longer than all seven of my other births combine. I battled with myself silently through each passing hour, trying to talk to myself that everything happening was Ok...but I didn't feel OK I was ashamed of myself... embarrassed.
When it came time to push I looked to my left and saw the amount of people in the room I uncontrollably started to cry. It was if it all really hit, some of this I chose and I was grieving the loss of how birth should be, I was grieving the birth I wanted, I grieved the loss of control over my body. I asked Chris to hand me a wet cold cloth I put the cloth over my face trying to block out the world. I tired to picture my home, my bedroom and catch my breath.
At 1:45pm Henry Taith Brown came earth side.
Henry means strong and Taith is welsh for journey.
As soon as Henry was born he was placed on my chest but it wasn't the same, there wasn't the rush the empowering birth experience and I will never know if that was because of my own emotions or the fact I still had work to do. I started to push with each contraction right away with Henry in my arms. My heart breaks when I think of the delivery of baby B. I was spoke to sternly to push and push harder, while the OBGYN's hand was inside of my uterus. She threatened a C-section if I didn't push harder. A resident took over for part of this birth and the only words I can think of is bullied and abused to birth my baby. She spoke to me in a way no laboring women in her most delicate place of being a woman should ever be spoken too. I needed to cared for loved, spoken gently too and encouraged. Didn't they know my dream was being ripped from me! At 3:08pm Seamus was born.
For the next hour and a half I nursed my babies relieved they were here and soaking in those first moments.
The truth is so much has happened I'm grieving and grief has many faces, so please be gentle with me.
5 comments:
I am so sorry for the pain you have had to go through. I am so proud to call you my friend.
I was a 3 lb 13 ounce twin, with a 7lb twin sister. I stayed, separated, from my twin and mother for a 5 week hospital stay. Mom and Dad simply were hardpressed to come more than a few minutes every other day or so. Nursing staff was abrupt and dismissive of Mom's needs to nurture me.
All this to say, a ray of light, in following this journey of your babues' birth was watching the FB updates and knowing you and both babies were together.
Gentle Spirit, pour out overwhelming comfort into Miranda's deepest places. I also pray that by sharing your story, you will find a lifting of those feelings of failure.
That with time, you will be fully healed. If my comment misses the mark, or feels intrusive or negative in any way at all Miranda, I ask you just to dsregard and delete it.
all is grace,
Love Gerri
I'm so sorry for what you had to go through to bring those beautiful boys into the world. I get decidedly steamed the way the medical profession treats women.
I'll be praying for you.
Jen
Mama you are not a failure... you did it! Two babies born without c section. As a mom of a c section and a failed VBAC.This was a huge birth trauma for me. I ended up very depressed and angry. Sad I couldn't birth my children natural. Angry at the doctor who I had never met who was so mean and nasty. So angry that I had to be put to sleep and my baby was born without either of her parents to hold her in comfort of a birth gone so wrong. And so sad my first memory of my little girl is in the NICU with tubes and wires. Wishing my midwife could have bought me some more time. I understand this post and what you are gojng through. Pat yourself on the back. Ignore the negative voices. Focus on the positive. You are amazing and I am proud of you! I will be praying for you.
I'm am so sorry for your pain, I too have had several births that did not go the way I would have wished or planned including a homebirth transfer (with lots of mean hospital doctors) and a C-section because of a breech baby that just REFUSED to turn! Riding back and forth from the hospital we would listen (over and over) to the song "I'm trading my sorrows" because I needed to hear the line over and over "I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame, I'm laying them down for the Joy of the Lord!" Praying for emotional healing for you!
I'm sorry, it's so hard when you plan for a natural birth and instead have to go the hospital route. In all three of our births I have only met one OB that did not treat me like a mechanic treats a car (our first child was induced early due to PE). You did not fail, they are here, they are loved. Prayers for Henry's health and growth. God bless you fellow mama.
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