Love in the Dark

   I have been thinking over a few random memories the past couple days one of them being a dinner we were invited to sometime last year.  We accepted our invitation as we needed to regain "normal". When we arrived at our friends home, children scattered off into the yard with friends and Chris and I stood in the kitchen each holding a baby and chatting. I'm not sure why I have so many feelings about that one evening but it seems to be burned deep. We had a good time, the kids were well behaved but as we sat there passing the salad bowl there was a gaping wound that laid bleeding as we ate dinner. It was as if everyone knew about this wound but ignored the bleeding.  I remember hooking Henry's tube up to start his feed and he instantly started to vomit everywhere. I remember the race of my heart the shake of my chin, the fake plastered smile as I cleaned him up.  We were hurting in a way that nobody could see, it was a dark difficult place to be. At home with our children our normal daily routines unfolded there was peace and joy, but social events would steal the very breath out of my lungs. I was miserable trying to be who I remembered myself being.  I resented every normal conversation, nothing about who I was felt normal.
As months went by I decided I had to find contentment in the puke, in the mountains of dirty sheets, and stained carpet. I had to find a way to peace in the journey,  even when the wound bleeds a little and no one seems to notice.
The truth is medical mama's balance all the normal motherhood things plus some.  We juggle therapies, appointments, meds, doctors, nurses, travel for specialized doctors and for the large majority of it we rock this stuff.  We are the moms of complexities.

Here's the thing we learn on our journey's as we juggle our medical mysteries, some people are jerks and it sucks but.... and this is a big but there are far more FANTASTIC people out there!!! Your friends who have no clue what your days feel like but show up at the drop of a hat. KEEP THEM! They are gold, and they help you remember who you are.  Find your tribe of other medical mamas that get your new found lingo, where there is no explaining for the millionth time what something means.  Keep that nurse that you connected with like you have been best friends since 7th grade and don't let her go.  Love these people! Because these people are the ones that are going to let you bleed all over the place. They are the ones that are going to clean up the blood and put the bandaid back on and they will do this over and over and you will do the same for them.

 That child the medical mystery, the child that you can't imagine life with out, your fighter,  the house of cards you build everyday over and over. They are ridiculously cute, and they have a determination for life that is inspiring. Look at them, soak every bit of their sweetness in. Smooch that G-tube button on their tummy, run your finger over their scars and remind yourself that you were chosen for this child. There is no one in this world that could do what you do in the most perfect way for him.

September dance..

  This time of year is like a delicate dance.... The September dance. . These babies of mine are getting older but not just the twins all of them. Their interest in the world beyond our doors increases, we find ourselves looking at the calendar each night, chatting and devising a plan of attack for the day that follows. Dance classes, gymnastics, homeschool coops, teenage work schedules, PT/OT medical appointments and the list goes on and on.....with a home and small farm to manage it adds up fast . My head spins a little trying to find our balance and grove... I bet you all feel it. Back to school ( I know some of you have waited weeks for this), back to work, back to it -

As I embrace all the exciting new things ahead for all of us this season, I gently remind myself  to breath and love these little people in a way that no one else can. That in fact, this is my job as Mama to stay strong and steady, to breathe deeply, to walk slowly through these wild and full days. To be the anchor of home.

These days.. these amazing glorious days... I will one day wish for them back. .. The messy pile of books read, the art made, the paint dried on the table, dolls, blocks played with and nine children snug in bed sleeping soundly under one roof.

 

A Normal Day

I am relishing in these couple days of 'normal'. Making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches watching my little ones run trying to catch chickens. Everyday I get with these children is an unexplainable gift that squeezes my heart in a way I can't even put into words.

The Lord promises He will gently lead those with young,

if we but look for Him and walk with Him each step of the way. He has proven Himself to me over and over.

 You know what I have learned very quickly Joy doesn't always come in laughter and mirth. Joy isn't always dependent upon our circumstances. 

 The deep joy that comes from what Christ has done for us constantly fills our hearts, 

and sustains us through trials and difficulty. 

 

Our Story

 The past 3 weeks have been spent in hospital with our precious treasure Henry. He was having a hard time holding his oxygen up. Henry has been through so much in 12 weeks of life he has had  6 echos, 6 EKG, 10 x rays , feeding study,  1 OHS, 2 ct scans I lost count of all the pokes, and 4 admissions..

 

This song was written by a fellow heart mom and she nailed it exactly what life is like. I don't think it will ever get easy. I have never had my heart break into so many piece yet held together by how much joy this tiny life brings me.  Many nights I would be up in my rocking chair at the hospital praying but my prayers are more like helpless pleas to the one who can heal him. It's funny how when your pregnant and people ask you " what do you want a boy or a girl?" and the answer is " doesn't matter as long as it's healthy." You know a baby who isn't healthy you want just the same.

 

 

After a week in our local hospital we were transferred to BC Children's Hospital by an air ambulance.

We were eight days at BCCH where many tests where done,  Henry was in heart failure, he had an upper GI study done which showed his milk going down the vocal cords into his lungs he was later diagnosed with Chronic Lung Disease he was aspirating his feeds and is now 100% NG tube fed, he has pulmonary hypertension which he is now on meds for. We were then transferred back to our local hospital where we spent another week. The days are emotion filled and from one hour to the next he is doing OK to not good.

Henry and Seamus are quite the ladies men charming every nurse that came in the room. I am so thankful each and every nurse that poured love onto my babies daily they really do become family. I am thankful for the friends that came in the evening and rocked Seamus to sleep so I could cuddle Henry, Dana, Kerri, Erin, Sarah, Heather, and to my friend Danielle that pumped her breast milk for Seamus for the 12 hours I was away from him during our transfer. My fellow heart mom Brandee that's been on the other end of the computer encouraging me cheering me on. Though we have only met once I am so thankful for her.
Although I never would have chose this life we are growing in huge ways. I think when we only have healthy kids we don't realise in the deepest way what a gift each day is.

My oldest four spending a whole week at Walmart selling
pop corn to raise money for all our trips and bills while Chris
is off work.  I have never felt so proud of them to see they truly
get what being a family is all about.  The praise from our community
has been overwhelming.

  Day 2 of being home now. It's actually really hard when you first come home.. It's really overwhelming to be home without the doctor just down the hall. It's such a mix of emotion thrilled to be a family under one roof again but sad cause it feels like your home more "broken" then you went in... And it's not how you wanted or envisioned going home. It's hard cause everyone expects you to be so happy yet you spent a lot of time worried.

 It will be OK we will find our groove and dance around the crazy amount of tubing. 

September

                                              
 Basic goals I have for myself this September.

1. No crying in public. Hormones are a wonderful crazy thing.
2. Stretch, warms baths, and have wonderful husband massage legs before bed. (Maybe this should be Chris's goal list?) Seriously restless legs are about to make me nutty.

     3.Remind Chris to grab another blanket because those windows are staying open! I'm kidding these are not my true goals. Well kind of they are but you know what I mean.

 I absolutely love September, it brings back focus and feelings of renewed dedication to the relationships within my home.  It's been interesting being less mobile and somewhat really amazing how God works everything together.  For example husbands that surprise their wife with pumpkin spiced lattes are worth keeping. ;)

My five school aged children currently sit with me all day working on their books bonds between siblings are deepening as we just *be* together.  God is good even when I can feel discouraged I am reminded that he has called me to this task. My goal for this beautiful September is to not grow weary, but to be thankful that I get to participate in another glorious season of my children's growth.
Homeschooling wasn't just an educational choice for us it was a dedication to raise up the very souls He has trusted us with. Prayer..  I have been trusted with much and with that comes anointing to do this WELL.  The enemy wants to steal from us and he will use anything even good things to get in the door,  He has anointed me to protect my children and how to recognize our enemy. The battle on our knees is so powerful.   All seven of them are growing and changing daily it's been a beautiful thing to watch unfold. From overcoming fears, to grasping a math concept, the softness of their spirit to comfort someone who is hurting, learning how to deal with different personalities,  the whispers "I love you" before bed. Those late night talks my teens are having with Dad, my heart sings during these times.

Pregnancy Update 27 weeks.

            I can't believe we are heading into the last stretch here.   I am amazed that no signs of PSD this pregnancy. PSD can drain any woman and make her question her sanity. Words I would use to describe how I feel are heavy and tried. This week was harder than the last week on my body which I think it’s just  going to be that way until they are here! Finding comfortable positions sitting or laying is becoming harder and harder. The past 2 days the babies were squishing my lungs which made it very difficult to take a breath. I slept  up on big stacks of pillows including my snoogle.  

Last week I had an ultrasound to check the babies growth, baby A was 2lbs 5ozs and baby B 2lbs 1oz. I can only image what the pressure is going to be like when they are 5+ lbs each! Not to mention two sacks and two placentas!  They are doing fantastic. Heart beats were 142 and 158, A was breech and B was head down.   I have a fundal height of 36cm typically with a singleton your fundal height stays within your number of weeks, so at 27 weeks you would be around 27cm. I hope to grow these little boys into the 50's range.

 I have a large to-do list over the next 3-4 weeks I would like to get done.  I would like to get my change table re-painted. It's over 24 years old and I remember the day at 7 years old when my mom and dad bought it for my brother. Amazingly enough SEARS still sells the exact one!  I need to buy a nice stash of receiving blankets and then I have two swings picked out.  It would be nice to pre-make some meals and have some in the freezer for those last few weeks.  The hard part now is standing for extended periods of time so we will see if that actually gets to happen.

Last week I took a spontaneous trip up north to a long time friends house husband-less and children-less.  The only time I have done something like this is to a homeschool convention, so taking a trip that was just for my fun was way out of normal for me.  My friend had twins in March so I wanted to go snuggle babies and visit asking all those questions that would still be fresh in her mind.  I was so encouraged by her and different things to say to those nosey ones that you really would rather not answer.

WOMBman

My little midwife in training, this girl can pin down two babies heart beats using a fetoscope!

“History has never been dominated by majorities, but only by dedicated minorities who stand unconditionally on their faith.”

"As Christian mothers, we can march forth boldly into an unknown future, trusting our sovereign, omniscient, loving Father who works all things for our good."

"God says that children are a blessing and a reward, and I want as much of that reward as He will give me! But my motivation is not to store up children like a rich man hoards treasure but rather to raise them to love Christ and to put their hands to the plow for a lifetime of faithful Kingdom work."

"My body is only a temporary home for my spirit, and one day it will wear out, but the children God was pleased to bring into this world through my body will live eternally. I can think of no nobler use for my body than that."


"My husband and I have grown closer through parenting, and it is a precious aspect of the relationship we share together. We are of one heart and one mind, and neither of us feels that our children detract from our relationship; rather our love for one another has deepened as our family circle has expanded. We see raising godly children for the Lord as our most important life’s work, and it is an incredible joy to labor together toward that end."

"Our theology affects our view of risk. The Bible teaches us that God is sovereign over everything, and that I will have the children He has foreordained for me to have since before the foundation of the world. There is no risk; there are only the perfect plans of my God. Many Christians have too low a view of God’s sovereignty. They say they trust God, but then they don’t want to do anything that seems risky. I want to live boldly for Christ and trust the outcomes to my loving, omnipotent, sovereign Heavenly Father. To be truly pro-life is to say that all children are created in the image of God and are, therefore, to be embraced."

My favorite quotes from the book Three Decades o Fertility

A Home Full of Joy!

  This week our home has been full of rejoicing one big constant party and celebration. We have  received close to 200 messages of congratulations some of the most loving encouraging emails ever.  I laugh at myself for being nervous to announce I was pregnant. The Lord just took that fear and showed me how happy and loving those in our lives are.

Chris and Miranda  know we are bubbling up with inner joy – praising God for blessing you with two babies and praising God for YOU!   They will be blessed with the best parents!   We ‘all’  are over the top excited and thanking God – for HIS blessing upon your family and it in turn blesses everyone  - US FOR SURE!

 

When I heard the news – I right away – wished you were close by -  back on our street.   We shared the news at our bible study group last night;  lots of excitement  and more prayer for these precious gifts.

 

We  are now – praying for a healthy pregnancy and for all your family;  including your brothers.   If you have something specific for us to pray about please pass that on and or if you have ‘any’ desires/needs – I would love to help if I can in any way.

This is another..

 Congratulations! I just heard the news - not only are you being blessed with another baby, BUT TWO! How wonderful is that!! So happy for you guys. These babies will be welcomed into one of the most loving, nurturing and Christ-centered homes I know of. How blessed you are, and how blessed they are, too! Praying things go well during your final 4(?) months of pregnancy.

 Of all the big questions we keep getting over and over and over.. is " What will you guys do for a vehicle?" or "I guess it's time for a new van!"  I can not even count how many times this has been said.   I just want to keep reminding those that we serve a Heavenly Father that LOVES US and wants to lavish GOOD things on his children. He knows what is needed! He alone is our great provider. I say this to remind you all that we are not worried about the days to come!!! We laugh at the days to come, we rejoice in HIS provisions! We refuse to sit in "What ifs" because when you live there you miss out on all that He has given.

                                                                REJOICE WITH US!

 

The BEST NEWS!!!

Seriously look at that sweet little face. Baby A

Baby B little face. I am in love.

I am sure you can guess what this is~ ! What an amazing day! I am in awe -tears stream down my face you can't wipe the smile off. God is so good! 

My sweet children prayed for two things last year - twins and that I would have a pain free pregnancy and God heard us!

Around 16 weeks, I felt heavy not so much in size but I would roll over in bed and the weight was different. At my 19 week appointment I asked my midwife if she thought I was big and sure enough I was measuring well above the 20 week mark..  She had a listen at the heart beat on the right side and a beautiful strong happy baby at 150. She then moved to left and again a heart beat 150. She was hesitant to confirm twins because the heart beats were the same so she recommend I do the U/S which I normally refuse.  Two of the longest weeks ever waiting for the day to come.

 The story is kind of funny, I had a pretty good hunch it was twins from the beginning because I bled so much.  So I go into my U/S and I have student tech for the first 30 mins she keeps a poker face the whole time.And this point I am trying to come to terms that I am HUGE and it will all be OK.  Not as much as a hint she stops and says " Ok baby's heart beat is 144, I am going to go get my supervisor so she can check over my measurements.  Supervisor comes in fiddles around and says " I guess we should tell you there is TWO BABIES in there" I SCREAMED!!!!! "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! THANK YOU JESUS, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!" at this point Chris and the kids are in the waiting room I thought for sure they heard me.  Then tech says "OK we are going to need  about 1.5-2 hrs. to measure these 2 do you want me to go tell your husband?" I said yes but not the kids I want them all in the room.  She goes out  asks Chris to come into another room and says "Everything is fine, but you should go take the kids for a walk because it going to take a while to measure your two babies" Chris was just BEAMING! He said it was so hard to keep a straight face to the kids. 

After they were all done measuring the babies they called in the family and I almost yelled "guess" and 7 voices said "twins" at the same time. The tech was awesome let us watch these gifts for a bit. They are facing each other so it was just beautiful to see these limbs everywhere.  I AM BLESSED!! I PRAISE GOD for what he has given us!  Ahhhhh TWINS!

You know it does not matter how many times you get to do this, the wonder than another soul is being knit inside continues to keep you amazed.

Dear Mothers of Little Girls

       Dear Christian Mothers, know that that little daughter sitting next to you is cherished in the Lord's eyes. The babes she will raise will be the next generation which will serve Him. She will be standing shoulder to shoulder with her husband taking dominion and quite possibly be at the helm with him, leading the future church, mentoring men and women alike as they take their place in the reforming culture. She will be making strong the fabric of society by taking her place in the home and her family, making it an example for others to learn from and to bring God glory. Be careful to guide her and protect her. Be carful to teach her all that you know and much much more. Love her with the love that comes from the Heavenly Father and be found trustworthy of discipling her well.
* A wise friend*

   Not all homeschooling has to be taught by mommy. Natalie spent time with Jude (4) and taught him how to print his name.

Spread Love

You reap what you sow. We have all heard these words a thousand times, we all know what it means but do we really know how serious it is?

My very good long distance friend encouraged me this year to buy a new bible, I am a girl that loves to write and highlight in all her books. My bible is all marked up in a rainbow of colors with notes in the margins and my eyes are always drawn to things that are underlined. So starting in the New Year with fresh clean pages I get so see a running theme of what God is speaking to me about through his written word.

The bible I am using is the Life Recovery Bible so I am becoming familiar with the 12 step program.

Step 5: We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

One thing we as mothers cannot do is believe we can bury our sin and go on without admitting them. As time rolls along we realize those things we buried or ignored in our children were really seeds that grow and bear “fruit”.  When left too long we have this crop on our hands that we just want to disappear. We had hoped that our self-deception would make it go away.   Rather than sweeping sin under the rug of pride we might as well come clean and be forgiven, God see’s it all anyway.

                   We will always harvest what we plant in our children

I must be diligent in my sowing, in instilling every bit of truth and wisdom and goodness into these precious children. I may not be able to protect them from the harsh blows of life and I understand my sin may even hurt them. But I do know what I can do when in doubt I can extend love and grace. I can speak words of affirmation over them and pray with them. I can believe in them and teach them to always hope and have faith in a living God who says we are his own child that he chose!  I will teach them that love covers, to keep their conscience clear and bless those who speak against them. That they are made pure in Christ when they confess their wrongs and repent. To love each other deeply will all their hearts. All goodness in their lives is a gift from HIM. He delights in them.

Galatians 6:7

You will always harvest what you plant.

My Dream

For a Christain, having babies is not about birthing pains, changing diapers or baking cookies (though it includes of these). Having babies is about transfprming the world forever. This investment will last not for thirty years, not for my lifetime, but  f-o-r-e-v-e-r. The investment is realized on earth and pays dividends for eternity. On earth, we pray that these children will advance the very kingdom of God. But in heaven, the souls of every redeemed child will stand with me throughout eternity before the Lord Jesus. The pressures of today (be financial, physical, etc.) that taunt Christians to self consciously distort God's fruitful purpose for the womb, and to separate life from love, will seem infinitesimally small as we look back upon this whisper of a life with our children beside us in eternity.

My children can have more far-reaching implications for society and posterity than anything else I can do. Having babies and training children for Jesus Christ means my life work will last forever. I refuse to accept the minimizing, selfish, materialistic, and limited vision of womanhood dispensed by the apostles of modernity and relevancy in this generation. My dream is far greater. -Beall Phillips

 

Your Path

P-pray for your children regularly

A-accept your children unconditionally

T-teach and train your children diligently.

H-honor your children purposefully.

Time

The greatest temptation of my time is my impatience, but more so it is my refusal to suffer?

Almost midnight... ~sigh~ the house is pitch black I forgot to shut my bedroom curtains again the moon light is shining right into my room. My sweet little Hannah is sound asleep beside me. I can hear the breaths of Chris deep and rest full. And me I sit here in the dark with tears streaming down my cheeks. Three night in a row this has happened, and it doesn't stop. I pull my baby in close pushing my nose on her soft little head drinking in her newborn smell and the tears become heavy sobs, you know the kind that come from deep down and your whole body physical hurts? I wake in the morning with swollen eye lids. I have never been moved so deeply into prayer.

This prayer feels different, I don't think I could put it into words. My bedroom fills with this thickness of the Holy Spirit I can feel it. ~the tears keep coming~ Time it's going so fast,

I blink and we are celebrating another child's birthday. Did I make sure that he/she knew every signal day what a gift he/she is to me. How many times have I been busy doing "my thing" and I didn't even hear what was said?

How many times has my husband wrapped his arms around me while I'm fixing dinner and I brushed him off because I'm in a hurry to get things on the table?

It's going too fast and yet I can't seem to slow it down. There is no way in the world to get everything I need to done in the day. I become upset when things demand my time... help me Jesus...- be present- be here... when my head my thoughts rob me of my time. When my sin continues to show up again and again. Change me Lord!

Sleepy feet find there way through the dark into my bed. Natalie comes in "can I sleep with you?" it's these moments~ these moments that make my heart race. One day she won't stumble into my room in the middle of the night.

Or have tiny babies curled around my waist nursing in the wee hours.

The sobs continue to grow into the night as I listen in the stillness to the gulps as my baby drinks in love. ~time ~ it brings grace. I see as I get farther and farther along in this journey of motherhood ~grace~

Keep yourselves in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ…

~Jude 1:21