Blessed Beyond Understanding

  I realized my last blog post might not have made sense to those that didn't know what went on.
An hour and a half after the twins were born the pediatrician heard a heart murmur in Henry. He was took to the NICU to be looked over as his oxygen levels were a little low. After an ultrasound and phone calls with children's we found out our baby had a very rare heart defect that would require surgery.    I bluntly asked the pediatrician  "could he die?", and when he answered back "Yes" I felt as if he took a 2X4 to my head. I cried and prayed all night. Every couple hours Chris would help me into a wheel chair and take me to him, I would lay my hands on him tears streaming down my face praying not caring who was right there.  We were air lifted to Children's early that morning.  There are so may details I could share but to be honest it's exhausting.

We have been home a week and it's been good to have Chris home and process it all together.  Learning more about what the next 18 years are going to look like.  On Sunday our pastor said something to the effect of " look around at the people in your life and that God has placed them there".  We have been thrown head first into the medical world and are meeting some pretty fantastic people. I spent nights in the PICU rocking Henry and talking to nurses for hours.  Having nine children is an awesome conversation starter and because the choice to have a large-ish family is so strongly attached to our faith we were able to share so many things.

   I have never prayed for a doctor like I have for this man. He truly is amazing! It took everything in me when we were leaving to not tell him I loved him. :) 
Henry was on Global News 

 Henry is starting to take in a tiny bit more a feeding, but Thursday we will decide with the pediatrician if an NG tube might be a little easier on him.  I think we are leaning towards that has feeding is so hard on his breathing right now. I am thrilled he has made it back to his birth weight this week where Seamus is now well over 8lbs! 
Other than the high demands of my little man adding two has been absolutely wonderful. I am blissfully exhausted and enjoying every second of them. Henry is easy going and relaxed exactly how I knew him in the womb and Seamus has a little more fire, believes he is truly starving when not attached to me. He makes pumping for Henry a little difficult cause he really gets mad when someone else takes him for a moment.

Our New Journey

          On Monday November 18 at about 12:00 in the afternoon Henry went for his first of many open heart surgeries. At about 4:00 we got to see him in the ICU. Surgery went very well and as expected. Henry did much better than Miranda and myself. It was a long 4 hours. Henry has a congenital heart defect called Tetrology of Fallot and Pulmonary Atresia. Simplified, you and I have a four chamber heart with a pulmonary artery going to the lungs to get oxygen into the blood. Henry has a three chamber heart with no artery going to the lungs. For his first week he was kept alive by keeping a bypass valve used in utero open with medicine. It usually closes within 12 hours after birth. The surgeon has put in a shunt to replicate this valve. This is temporary until about 6-9 months when he is strong enough to endure a surgery that will essentially rebuild his heart. A donor artery will be used to create a pulmonary artery for him. However this artery does not grow and will require the same surgery over and over until he is full grown. These months leading up to that surgery are the most critical for him as he has limited oxygen in his blood and the shunt has potential to clog. We will be monitoring his oxygen levels twice daily and talking to a nurse at Children's hospital every couple days to report how he is doing. He will also be going regularly for visits to Children's to be seen by the cardiologist. It is important for him to stay healthy during this time as colds, flus, coughs, etc can cause dehydration which in turn causes clotting. He is on aspirin daily to help with the clotting. Please pray for him as he comes to your mind as well for us. This has been such a faith builder as we have seen God move us through each day. God has continually spoke to us through other people over and over different people keep saying "God's got this" and every time we hear those three words peace overwhelms us.  This truly has been our most difficult trial to walk through. My heart has never ached so bad, I missed my children at home and hurt for my newborn being poked and prodded for the first 2 weeks.  We go back to Children's this month  where Henry will likely have another little surgery to fix his diaphragm that was pushed up during the heart surgery.  Please continue you pray for healing, he is improving daily, getting strong and eating a tiny bit more

Birth

 

Warning... emotionally raw birth story

 

 I am hesitant to write this out for a number of reasons.  My emotions are fresh and raw,  I lay in bed re-playing it over and over.. disappointed, angry and heartbroken... yet overjoyed I gave birth to two babies!
From the moment I found out I was expecting twins I started planning for the best natural birth outcome. I advocated for myself informed my OBGYN what was best for my laboring body, planned and planned and planned. I'm proud of myself I carried 13lbs of baby to full term. I ate a high protein diet and drank a ton of water.
From the moment I arrived at the hospital I looked my midwife in the eyes and whispered "I'm such a failure" and it was from that moment on I spiraled into deep birth trauma.
My birth went so far off my birth plan and some of those things were my choice, my intuition spoke to me and at the time I didn't understand.
My midwife spoke up for me in areas were I didn't feel listened to I was pretty adamant baby A would not have a fetal scalp put in.
The labor itself was long, longer than all seven of my other births combine. I battled with myself silently through each passing hour, trying to talk to myself that everything happening was Ok...but I didn't feel OK I was ashamed of myself... embarrassed.
When it came time to push I looked to my left and saw  the amount of people in the room I uncontrollably started to cry. It was if it all really hit, some of this I chose and I was grieving  the loss of how birth should be, I was grieving the birth I wanted, I grieved the loss of control over my body.  I asked Chris to hand me a wet cold cloth I put the cloth over my face trying to block out the world. I tired to picture my home, my bedroom and catch my breath.

At 1:45pm Henry Taith Brown came earth side.
Henry means strong and Taith is welsh for journey.

As soon as Henry was born he was placed on my chest but it wasn't the same, there wasn't the rush the empowering birth experience and I will never know if that was because of my own emotions or the fact I still had work to do.  I started to push with each contraction right away with Henry in my arms. My heart breaks when I think of the delivery of baby B. I was spoke to sternly to push and push harder, while the OBGYN's hand was inside of my uterus. She threatened a C-section if I didn't push harder. A  resident took over for part of this birth and the only words I can think of is bullied and abused to birth my baby.  She spoke to me in a way no laboring women in her most delicate place of being a woman should ever be spoken too.  I needed to cared for loved, spoken gently too and encouraged. Didn't they know my dream was being ripped from me!   At 3:08pm Seamus was born.
 For the next hour and a half  I nursed my babies relieved they were here and soaking in those first moments. 
The truth is so much has happened I'm grieving and grief  has many faces, so please be gentle with me.

Remembrance Day Booklet

Yesterday another homeschooling family took Presley and Rachael for the afternoon and did a really fantastic Remembrance Day booklet from Teachers Pay Teachers based on the book A Poppy Is To Remember.

Here is her blog where she explains what they did in detail. :)

http://fifthstreetacademy.blogspot.ca/2013/11/a-poppy-is-to-remember.html

 

38+3

 Well here we are still very much pregnant and according to obstetrics in B.C now post dates.

Lots of contractions but nothing that amounts to anything, the pressure is beyond intense. Even after seven very full term babies I have never experienced anything like this kind of pressure. My body doesn't feel like my own. Walking to the bathroom amazes me that nothing has fallen out.  I suspect we are getting closer with all the pre-labor. I am getting up around 2:00am some nights to have bath and relax, this seems to help a lot. Getting out of the tub well that's probably quite funny if it was video taped. I literally have to climb up my body to get back up to standing.
 Chris is awesome though on the really rough nights he will get up out of bed and come sit in the bathroom with me even though he has to be up for work at 6:00am. He will even shave my legs for me!
I am thankful for my birth support. Friends who live 8 hours away come to give me a foot massage. Or friends that have let me just be real when I hit a wall. Friends that last minute will have a coffee with and just let me tell them everything I have told them 4,5,6 times already.

So for now it's a sit and wait game! I feel like a ticking time bomb and everyone (including many family and friends........ the butcher ........... grocer......the man with the dog......... the postman ha ha) is waiting in anticipation! and I'm here ready to go.

This pregnancy and birth plan has been an emotional one, and we continue to be in prayer to deliver these two boys naturally with out interventions or complications and so far everyone is on board.

First Snow Fall

 

The snow has arrived!

As it appears the white stuff is here to stay it's been coming down for over 12 hours now.

The children were so excited they spent a couple hours outside building snowmen and snow forts.

Everyone came in with red little noses and chattering teeth. The big guys were quick to pull out the hot coco to warm up all these little people.

Then later this afternoon Austin got to go outside with Dad and have his first tractor lesson and plowed the driveway. He did pretty good, other than almost swiping the house with the bucket! Ekkkk Chris was hollering at him telling him to stop but the tractor is just so loud! Thankfully he missed!

 

 

37 weeks!

Sorry for how blurry it is. 

     I can’t believe I’m saying this… but I’m 38 weeks pregnant tomorrow with twins!!!! Wow what a blessing and true miracle that I’m still pregnant. As shocking as that is to the medical community I on one hand know my body and think I have another good week to go.  My cervics is still long and closed (sorry TMI) and babies are growing well.

I can honestly see how women reach a point where they just can’t go any longer, and schedule inductions. Right now I’m still holding strong to my word… we plan to not induce and let these babies come when they are ready, just as long as I stay healthy and they stay healthy. My OBGYN has been great the last few weeks really understanding and listening to me and my body. Inductions are not fun.  But I will not lie when I’m at my lowest I think about it "maybe I’ll let the OB just break my water or maybe we can just do PIT and get the party started". But I also know what it best for the babies. I have researched my brain out, talked to plenty of different midwives and they all tell me the same thing "be patient". I am incredibly uncomfortable and sore now. Baby A is so deep pain shoots up my back right up to my head where I end up with wicked headaches that send me to bed. Baby B is all over the place still transverse but a wiggle worm. I have a fundal height of 45-46  I did however lose 4lbs last week due to intense heartburn so my weight continues to maintain.
  Sitting causes the most pain now I need to be home to have the option to go lay down and get the weight off. Even with all that this has been one of the most amazing seasons of my life. A pregnancy with no PSD was a dream come true. All at the same time of wanting to meet my babies I'm sad the pregnancy is at the end.
I go for an NST tomorrow and will likely double my fluid tests this week and my NST's and I'm pretty sure that will be it.  I have LOVED all my u/s tec's they have been amazing and encouraging making sure to include all my children in everything they are doing. 
This week I plan to have a quiet week and rest as much as I can and soak in these last days where I don't have to share my babies. Love up all my big kids and really just push the outside world out and create my little haven here.