Pumping

 Almost 8 weeks of exclusively breastfeeding Seamus and 8 weeks of exclusively pumping for Henry. I nurse Seamus on demand aka every time he realizes he is not nursing, and pumping every 2.5 hours for 30 mins around the clock. Henry's feeds take about an hour a feed. He starts his feed  with EBM in a bottle but is only able to take in 20-30mls max and then tires out due to his heart the rest goes down the tube.
 Not being able to breastfeed Henry and pumping instead has been exhausting,  overwhelming, and to be really honest I feel inadequate. Which is nuts because this is all out of my control.
The feeding tube has become my frienemy. I hate it for all of its inconveniences and resent it because it represents that I feel like I have failed at the basic task of feeding my baby. At the same time, I love it because it means my baby is alive and MUCH healthier than he would be without it.
Henry having breast milk is so important to me, this baby has been threw so much already and really needs all those live antibodies to keep his immune system high.  Pumping like this makes me feel like I am doing SOMETHING to help this baby, every time I pump I tell myself "one more time".
  As hard as it is I also know it's one season of my life and each day, week, month that goes by I am so happy he has the very best.

The Day I Became a Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,
I'll never be the same.
They told me that my child was sick.
I thought, "am I to blame"?
I don't think I can handle this.
I am really not that strong.
It seemed my heart was breaking.
I have loved him for so long.

I will not give up on this child.
I will listen to your advice.
I will give my child any chance.
No matter what the price.
I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.
I'll even use that feeding tube.
My child must survive!

Will he need a lot of therapy?
Will he gain the needed weight?
Please God, help me do this.
I will accept our fate.

When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.
How many parents would love that sound.
Tomorrow I will be kinder.
As another Angel earns his wings,
I run to my child's bed.
I watch him sleep for quite a while.
I bend down and kiss his head.
I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.
I look to You wondering why?
Oh Lord, I just can't know your ways....no matter how I try.

And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.
My mind says savor each moment he's here,
but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!

From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed. From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.
From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.
With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.

For all who see that faded line.
I look to them and smile.
You see my child is loved so much.
I would face ANY trial.
That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).
God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).

A heart mom is always a heart mom.
Now wise beyond her years.
For those who have angels in heaven,
Our hearts share in all of your tears.

Every day I will try and remember,
I was chosen for him (and no other).
I will always embrace that beautiful day.......
When I became a "Heart Mother".

- Author Unknown