At the risk of being extremely vulnerable I need to tell you my heart and why you can't win right now. Will you bear with me for a few minutes and hear me out? As you know and if you don't November 12, 2013 I became the mother of a medically fragile child. I completely understand those of you that have never been 'here' and have no clue what I am talking about. You hear it you follow our story but you can't really know until you experience it with your own child. Oh, I pray you never do! My heart aches every single day. It's like I haven't caught my breath and a constant pain that I can't make go away. I can't make this stop or go away for Henry. I get that our story is getting old to you but if you can try the best you can to step into my shoes and understand that my life has changed completely.
My dear friends, I still need you. I need you to send me the email that has no strings attached if I write back. Or the phone call that I may not answer because I am pumping for one baby, nursing another and trying to help my 6 year old read her book. Or the text I am reading in the doctors waiting room. I need you to not question if I am pulling back or wanting space. Nobody ever wants to be alone in the dark.
Friendships takes two people but will you carry ours for awhile? Will you do that? will you remain my friend when there is nothing left for me to contribute?
It hurts when months go by and I feel forgotten as your lives go on. I am lonely and busy all in the same breath. I read your blogs your Facebook status' of get togethers, book clubs, couples dinners etc. and I feel the slight sting of the forgotten friend. I may never get back to being able to do those things that were once normal. I have a baby that can't be out in the general public a whole lot during cold and flu season so missing these things is what it is and we trust the direction God is taking us. You my friend are damned if you do, and damned if you don't. You are set up to fail. But it's okay. All I really care about is that you are still around after all and that you make an effort to be a part of our lives and include us in yours.
Let us know your still there is the shadows of our dark sleepless nights. I don't write this for your pity but to say I miss you.
6 comments:
Hugs and love to you!!!!!!!
HUGS!! Bless you Miranda for sharing your heart.
Miranda, I think of you often. You and your family are always in my prayers.
HUGS.. I understand .. I have been there too.
I totally understand... Both the heart ache and pain of having a heart baby. I spend more time in hospital then at home....you miss milestones with your other children, companionship of your partner, and the fellowship of friends. But amidst the loneliness and despair, feel blessed that God knew you were strong enough as a mom and wife that he blessed you with Henry. Heart Warriors are a special kind of gift <3
He may not remember any of this, it'll only be pictures and blogs and memories from you, but he'll know you fought alongside him every step, surgery and recovery with him. Be strong mama....you have friends and support down here :)
Loving you from afar! I remember the loneliness that comes from the experience that very few can understand. Your honesty is always so beautiful and raw. I pray that there is grace for you to see the invisible support of those of us who pray continually, think of you often and wish there was more we could do to help, but don't always remember that you need to hear from us too!
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